


Things You Never Do Around The Kirkland Brothers

by AliceStoneheart



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Dysfunctional Family, Dysfunctional Relationships, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-21
Updated: 2016-11-26
Packaged: 2018-09-01 08:14:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8616436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliceStoneheart/pseuds/AliceStoneheart
Summary: Caution: No countries were harmed in the making of this fic.





	1. The First Half of 'The List'...

* * *

This tale could start with, 'It was a hot, summer day...' but that's quite possibly the most boring beginning to any story, ever. Also include, 'It was a cold winter day...' and 'It was a wet, rainy day...' on that list as well, because although lists are not allowed to be published in this domain, mentioning them surely couldn't offend anyone's delicate sensibilities.

Instead, we're going to start with a very new, very original;

England blew his top when he discovered 'The List' attached to the refrigerator with touristy Eiffel Tower magnets that morning.

A certain Frenchman (whom shall not be named) whom had slept over denied any involvement whatsoever. Nobody really believed him, but when he swore by his beloved St. Jehanne, they shut their mouths and continued reading.

Scotland had a fit when he got to the part that mentioned… well, pretty much anything to do with him.

Wales legitimately died laughing but was resuscitated minutes later by his irate older brother.

One must, therefore, wonder at the contents of this elusive list.

The first half of it was as follows:

* * *

1\. Never ask England about the Doctor Who episode where a spaceship destroyed his 'Big Ben'. He will _not_ be happy.

2\. When you see Scotland in his traditional dress, do not ask him why he is wearing a skirt, or he'll put you in one himself.

3\. Under no circumstances must you mistake Wales for England despite the physical similarities. The results would be catastrophic and involve an angry dragon.

4\. Do not make fun of England's eyebrows. If he doesn't turn you into a frog, France will force feed you raw beef to shut you up for hurting his beloved _sourcils'_ feelings.

5\. Under no circumstances are you to call Ireland a mad drunk to his face. He will smash his bottle of ale over your head.

6\. Number 5 can also be applied to the words 'bipolar leprechaun', 'fairy boy', and many others.

7\. Referring to the 'Little Entente' when questioning England about his relationship with France is _not_ a good idea. Unless, of course, you plan on shoving them both into a broom cupboard and locking them in for a few hours.

8\. When referring to Scotland's national animal, never ask him why he doesn't ride his 'horny' friend to World Conferences.

9\. Any mention of Aliança Luso-Britânica around the Kirkland brothers will result in a detailed and embarrassing account of England's first date and subsequent 'relations' with Portugal.

10\. Number 9 can also be applied to the Auld Alliance and Scotland's relationship with France.

11\. The correct way to get Scotland to turn you on does _not_ include using the line, 'Beam me up, Scotty.'

12\. During his annual Harry Potter marathon, under no circumstances must you ever ask England to show you his 'wand'.

13\. Number 12 can also be applied to his 'sonic screwdriver' during the Doctor Who marathon.

14\. Reminding England that his human name comes from Arthur Pendragon is not a good idea. He's sick of Wales continuously lording over him because he is named after the King of Camelot.

15\. The term, 'Bros before hoes' is never to be mentioned in the vicinity of the Kirkland brothers, specifically Arthur and Alistair. It might be taken literally, which would result in a really bad fistfight which would escalate to either a 'more than unified' British Isles or a 'less than unified' United Kingdom. England hates America's stupid taglines. Also, France doesn't like to be referred to as a hoe, no matter what the nature of his relationships with Scotland and England were or are respectively.

16\. Mentioning Northern Ireland's Split-Personality Disorder will result in a nasty altercation about compass directions over a pint of ale in the nearest pub.

17\. Cracking Scotty jokes around Alistair will end with you sitting in the driver's seat too terrified to even scream the words, "I'm givin' her all she's got, Captain!" while being chased down by an angry unicorn. Scotland found the first one funny, the 83rd, not so much.

18\. The word 'magic' should never be used when England is drinking at the tavern known as The Rising Sun. Merlin's presence there will ensure that everyone in a five-mile radius will be turned into frogs, local vegetation, kittens or flying mint bunnies as a result of the impending warlock's duel.

19\. The Loch Ness Monster is real. Even mentioning the possibility of Scotland's 'beloved Nessie' being a figment of his imagination will result in a one-way ticket to the bottom of the Loch Ness.

20\. It must be noted that any mention of 'those sparkly vampire novels' in Scotland's vicinity will produce the same results as 19. Alistair came very close to slaughtering a certain someone for 'defiling the noble name of his fearsome beastie.'

* * *

The kindly old lady doing her grocery shopping halfway down the road was alarmed at the cacophony of cursing in very rapid Welsh that assaulted her delicate aged eardrums when England tackled Wales to the ground in order to stop him from finishing his recitation of the list out loud, snatched it out of his hands and ripped it to shreds.

Why?

Who knows.

Maybe he thought the contents was too disturbing.

Maybe the contents was state secrets.

Scotland swore by his darling Nessie that the next time someone mocked Sparkle The Unicorn or cracked a Scotty joke around him, he'd go on a rampage that would make the Red Wedding look like _Bride Wars_.

The certain Frenchman (whom shall still not be named) quite vehemently declared that he neither deserved nor would tolerate any slander towards his person, especially by any imbecile who wrote or found the so-called 'List' funny.

There was a rather loud bout of obnoxious laughter from the neighbour's house which went unremarked because of the ensuing fistfight in the Kirkland household.

Thankfully, the Irelands were having an argument in Dublin and were quite cross to have missed the spectacle their idiot brothers made of themselves.

* * *

 


	2. ... And The Second

* * *

The Irelands came to visit England a week later, much to his chagrin.

Very unpredictably, the list showed up again. This time, the magnets holding it to England's fridge were – for some inexplicable reason – impossible to remove.

Magic? Science? Who knows.

The certain Frenchman (who shall yet again not be named) was making crepes that morning and studiously ignored it while beating the eggs.

The Republic of Ireland, who adored the Frenchman's cooking swept into the kitchen and kissed him on the cheek. She sat down at the table and told him about how horrible it was to have your time of the month every bloody month when you were a country and, therefore, nearly immortal. She spotted the list when she was opening the fridge to find some chocolate ice-cream.

"Big Brother F*****," said she, "what on earth is this nonsense? Did you let the boys get drunk again?"

And the Frenchman explained.

"I don't know whether to laugh or throw it out of the window. It's very silly. Why doesn't it mention me, the Kirkland sister?"

"Probably because it is very stupid," the Frenchman replied, "And you are, by far, the least stupid of the Kirklands and the one who wouldn't bother taking it seriously. Besides, in my long life, I've observed that women in general are far less stupid than men. My beloved St. Jehanne being the case in point," he said, completely seriously.

"I concur," the Kirkland sister said, and began digging into the plate of crepes the Frenchman set before her, chocolate ice-cream and silly list forgotten.

She was on her fourth one when her brothers deigned to come down for breakfast and disrupted the peace and quiet of the calm, winter morning. Boys, she thought shaking her head.

This time, Northern Ireland started reading the list aloud and received resigned groans in response.

The second half of the list went something like this (One cannot account for the authenticity of the following statement or the ones mentioned earlier. Also, there were significantly loud disturbances during the reading and the scribe of these points was, in some places forced to improvise when the reading was inaudible):

* * *

21\. Do not try to nickname Wales' crappy laptop 'Sir Crash-a-lot.' He will set Kilgarrah on you. 'Sir Junk-in-a-box' is not an acceptable alternative.

22\. Showing up at England's house on the Fourth of July singing the American National Anthem is a surefire way of getting yourself killed. Not by England, he's usually too drunk to notice, but Prussia and Scotland (their presence is justified as 'moral support,' even if said morals are very questionable) will make sure you die slowly and painfully.

23\. The word 'Football' should never be mentioned in the presence of the Kirkland brothers, especially Scotland and Wales. The resulting argument will go on for days and involve more religious implications than athletic ones.

24\. Never enlighten England about his unfulfilled paternal role in Canada's life. The ensuing custody battle between him and France will not be pretty.

25\. 'Honhonhonhonhon' is not an acceptable way to laugh at England's jokes.

26\. 'Honhonhonhonhon' is also not an acceptable way of fangirl giggling when Scotland is wearing a kilt. He will look around frantically for a mop of pale, blonde hair before running in the opposite direction, depriving you of the view.

27\. A replication of Tony Stark's attempt at speaking Old English around Arthur will result in a three-hour long rant about how adding an 'eth' at the end of each word is _not_ Old English.

28\. Singing 'Taffy was a Welshman' around Wales will get you killed slowly and painfully with a leg of beef by an enraged counrty.

29\. Never let Scotland go anywhere near Russia and/or Mexico in a bar. Or under any circumstances, really. The ensuing drinkathon will result in extensive hangovers all around for at least two weeks.

30\. If you value your cable subscription, do not tell England that Scotland's hair is better than his. He's always wanted to be ginger.

31\. Convincing England to unleash his 'wild side' will result in Arthur prowling about in full pirate garb and boasting about his many 'conquests' as Captain Kirkland, specifically over one Conquistador Antonio Fernandez Carriedo.

32\. Never ask Wales to sing. Period. That man may have the most gorgeous voice out of all the Kirklands, but he's used it to lure many an English sailor to his death, much to Arthur's chagrin.

33\. Quoting any of Shakespeare's sonnets, poems or plays including the word 'rose' around England will probably have him screaming in horror and running away in terror. Don't get me wrong, he considers Shakespeare second only to god (hell, he was BFFs with the guy, not to mention his biggest fan! Why do you think Queen Elizabeth was the bard's patron in the first place?), but an unfortunate incident involving the certain (unclothed) Frenchman, a bed, a dozen roses in strategic places and said Frenchman quoting the bard in a way that would make him turn in his grave kind of ruined it.

34\. Reminding Scotland of the time France captured him when he crash landed on the outskirts of Bordeaux during World War II (Germany had taken over France and dear Francis was not exactly 'himself') in front of any of the Kirklands is a very, very bad idea. Scotland's pride never healed from the brief time France was 'on top' of the Auld Alliance.

35\. The stolen ashtrays of Buckingham Palace must never be mentioned during a conversation with England. He always knew Sherlock had taken one, but both he and the Queen had mutually agreed that the consulting detective should be allowed to keep it for providing such an entertaining show with his deductions (read: bed sheet).

36\. Also, even though he was known for tolerating Captain Jack Harkness on more than one occasion, Wales must never be complimented on 'the sexiness of his Welsh vowels' or asked to say the word 'Sir.'

37\. Hogwarts is in Scotland, not England. If you value your life, don't start this particular argument with Arthur and Alistair.

38\. Reminding Alistair that his beloved 'Glasgow curry' is a knock off of a traditional Indian curry is not the best way to make fun of his food. France tried that once and never tried it again, opting to go back to insulting England's scones.

39\. On the subject of England's scones, under no circumstances must you praise or insult his cooking skills, or you will get one shoved down your throat either way.

40\. Instigating an argument between the Kirkland brothers about who has the best ale will result in such a painful hangover the next morning, none of the four will make it to the next World Conference, even if it happens to be a week away. You can also be assured that the brother in question will eventually hunt you down for starting said argument and this may or may not get dirty.

* * *

The list may have had a third half, or a fourth stupid, because three halves don't constitute a one, but the esteemed scribe lost it in the ensuing beat down the Republic of Ireland eventually got around to giving her brothers for ruining her peace and quiet. She'd come to England's house for some R&R, not to deal with a bunch of drama queens incapable of ignoring mere words.

By the evening, the list had disappeared.

It never returned, and the person who wrote it was never caught.

Small mercies.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer - New references in this chapter: Sherlock, Avengers, Torchwood and Shakespeare. I own nothing.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: There are references to Harry Potter, Doctor Who, ASOIAF, Star Trek, Merlin and various historical events in this fic. Naturally, I own none of them. I confess that I have changed 'Loch Ness Lake' in number 19 to 'Loch Ness' thanks to the feedback from my Scottish reviewer Luna. This fic is meant all in good fun, and I sincerely hope people from the UK (Or Ireland or France or basically any other country mentioned) don't take it seriously / personally or get offended. If you do deal with the latter, you have my apologies. Honestly. No offence intended.)


End file.
